I had my second sleep study last week.  This one was a “titration study,” where I was hooked up to a CPAP machine and the techs adjusted the pressure of the air to see what best keeps my airways open.

So after being hooked up to a bazillion wires (they perform an EEG, EMG, and pretty much any other test you can imagine ending in “G”), the tech brings me three CPAP masks to try.  The first one covers my mouth and nose…and blows air into my eye.  If you’ve never tried to talk while wearing a CPAP (& I don’t think it’s something the cool kids are doing nowadays…), it’s a lot like trying to talk with a really really bad cold while hanging your head out the window of a speeding car.  Like police chase speeding.

Tech: How does this one feel?

Me: Pwiddy awful…

Tech What?

Me: Ids bro-ing in my eye.

Tech: Oh.  So you like this one?

Me: NO.

The poor bewildered tech switched me to a “nasal mask,” which was only supposed to cover my nose…but since I’m so freaking little, it also covered my upper lip.

Tech: How do you like the nasal mask?

Me: I don’t dink id fips…

Tech: Yeah, I think it’s good for travel.

Me: Dares air bro-ing in my eye. *points*

Tech: *examines mask* Oh, it looks like this one’s leaking into your eye.  Let’s try the nasal pillow.

The “nasal pillow” only came in a pediatric size.  It also went straight up my nose…and totally made me look like an elephant with purple ears.  The tech told me to go to sleep and left.  After she left, I caught my reflection in the mirror next to the bed, and obviously couldn’t help pretending to be an elephant.

Tech: Ma’am, the test has begun…I need you to go to sleep.

I then remembered the camera above the bed.

I ended up only sleeping for about three hours, but felt better than I ever have at 6 a.m. when the tech woke me up.  After my last sleep study I drove home, called out of work and crawled into bed for the rest of the day…this time I braved 90 minutes of traffic and went straight to a full day of work with no coffee and felt awesome.  

I have a follow-up with my doctor in two weeks to see if I’ll be able to get the CPAP (instead of surgery…eek!), but I think the only real issue will be my insurance company.

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